He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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