I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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