Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
