i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
