Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
