The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
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I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
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How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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