he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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