Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
