Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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