when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
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