I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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