Please, let me fuck your mom
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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