wat bout pragnant strippers??
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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