If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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