a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
