Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
