He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
