It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
