I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
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Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
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I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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