life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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