Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
