My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
