You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You took a bar mat shot.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
