Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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