Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
