Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
