I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
