Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
