totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
