when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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