How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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