I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
