But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
