So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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