I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
