I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
