first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
