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life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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