that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
