After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
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