i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
