the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So here I am, sexting at work.
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