if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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