I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Randomize
