You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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