i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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