now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
