Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
