Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
