Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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