I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
