We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
