I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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