All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
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Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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