I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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