They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I got inside last night via doggy door
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
