They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
