the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
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he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
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So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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