I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
