This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
