Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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